What am I doing at HOME?!?!!?

I was supposed to be in the hospital through Monday, but on Thursday, the techs started asking me when I thought I was going to be going home.  I wrote them off as ignorant, but the joke was on me.  A team of doctors caught me sitting up, conferring with a personal injury lawyer, at about 10:30 am on Friday and asked me if I wanted to go home.  Caught very much off-guard, my initial response was not necessarily agreement, so they assured me I could have as much time as I needed.  I could go home today, later tonight, or tomorrow, whatever I felt comfortable with.  Okay, so we’ve gone from Monday to maybe Saturday afternoon at the most.  Then what difference does it make, I may as well go if they’re gonna boot me in the next 24 hours anyhow.  Didn’t seem to matter that I hadn’t actually accomplished my final goal.  They thought that would be coming along soon enough (although it’s Saturday evening now and we’re still waiting).

So, I gave Jon the good news that I’d be coming home and the bad news that he just lost his whole bachelor weekend, and then proceeded to wait patiently for the 5 hours it took them to discharge me.

Having been sufficiently medicated, I thought it would be a good idea to surprise my mom and just show up on her doorstep Friday night and go out for our our traditional Friday Night Dinner.  This seemed like a much better idea at 2pm than it did when it was actually occurring at like 6pm.  We went to a salad bar buffet where I took about 3 tablespoons of food and ate about 1 of them.  I finally found something that seemed to want to go down – macaroni & cheese.  Mmmm!  I also had some ice cream, and some chicken noodle soup, but that was about it.

I sure thought I’d be seeing a re-appearance of the food this morning, on the throne, but no such luck.  I’m actually a bit worried at this point, but I won’t freak out until about 2pm tomorrow.  If I still haven’t brought anything forth, I think I’ll probably call the doctor on call for the trauma clinic.

To aid with digestion, I have been doing a lot of walking.  The good news is that I have continued to pass some gas, but again, we were hoping for a little more by now.  (I had to seriously laugh at Mary Archer’s comment about the graphicness of my posting.  I totally agree.  You all know who this is and what this blog is about.  You should expect nothing less.  Although, to Linda’s defense, she wasn’t even in on the whole post about my girlie parts that was on Caring Bridge, so she may not know quite what all to expect.  Maybe the blog society should post some sort of disgustingness rating on my blog so that people could be warned.

The pain from the wound is incredible, and, of course, I have pain medication that is pretty effective at knocking the pain out, but it also knocks the digestive system out, too, so I have to balance not wanting to have too much pain and not wanting to bind myself up, either.  They gave me some additional pills I am taking to try to counteract the binding agent, but again, they haven’t quite succeeded yet.

A particularly disturbing part of my return home is that there is no home nursing care this time.  I was trained and supplied to do all my own wound care.  That would be somewhat okay, except for the wound is at a place where I have to sorta do a sit-up to see it, and doing sit-ups is about the most painful thing I can do with my body these days.  Another serious problem is the size of the wound.  You know those rectangular, flat Pink Pearl erasers every kid had to have on the first day of school?  Well, you could take one and put it completely inside of my wound.  To me, that’s just too big to go home with, but I guess that’s modern medicine these days, they actually trust the patient with that degree of wound.  I think it’s crazy and I’m a reasonably intelligent, motivated, brave client.  I hope they don’t send confused, scared, old ladies home with this kind of thing.  That would be so ridiculous.

Well, gotta go take my colon for another walk.  Don’t worry, the whole world will know when I am finally house-broken again.  Thanks again to everyone who is offering their love and support.  It really does help with the recovery.

Comments (2)

mary archerApril 26th, 2009 at 2:30 pm

Relax!!!! This is going to work.

Love, Mom

Darlene PlanteApril 26th, 2009 at 2:37 pm

I have been asked to pray for a lot a things in my oh, so long life, but a b. movement has to be the all-time strangest! But, OK, here goes! Dear Lord, Marlo needs …

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